entanglement of all sorts

Surfing the net, 2:00-4:00 am

I looked for articles regarding dreams, intuition, genetics and personality psychology. I know, I know. You don’t need to tell me that they’re boring, I just love them. I. Okay?

In addition to that, I answered some psychological tests in tickle and search for the Myers-Briggs Test. Of course, I got the same answers.

I’m unconventional (always the issue at home). I’m a workaholic (always the issue with my friends). I’m "too nice and sweet" to almost everybody (always the issue with people).

I love anything that has to do with family, children, husband… forever love… long-term commitment. I prioritize family over anything else.

I got a 129 in relationship IQ. I’m good at communicating but sucks at… oh well, i need to purchase the next part of the interpretation. Fat chance!

I don’t function effectively when under pressure. I do something whenever I want to do them. When my mind is set to do something, I will really see to it that it will be done.

I love dreaming and creating scenes in my mind. Sometimes, I love to be alone and think about things. Reflect. Consider possibilities and plan.

To be continued…

"Good morning, em! I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to reply last night. I got emotional. I didn’t want to cry. I’ll miss you too and our late night spontaneous outings. I promise that I’ll take care as long as you do too. Don’t work too hard. Have time for yourself. Relax. Don’t have another career. Be a student, don’t venture to the world of the maids. Hahaha. I’ll see you soon. Love you too. *even tighter hug* God bless you!"

Oh well, I got another goodbye text. Four years ago, my bestfriend left for Ireland. It was really hard for me. However, texting her regularly and she calling me for hours made things lighter. We send emails to each other once a week. We talk over conference room (YM). And we got used to it. Though, sometimes, I miss staying up late with her. Talking about anything under the sun til wee hours. Going to unknown places and getting too adventurous…

Last year, a close friend left too. Imagine, I spent everyday of two years with her. Everyday. Suddenly, nada. Zilch. Empty.

Now, someone who’s so dear to me is leaving for Paris. I nearly spent all my days with this person and suddenly… gone. Left.

Next month, Aivan will be leaving for Canada.

*sigh* I don’t want this. I hate goodbyes. I hate it.

Moving on isn’t just for an aspect of one’s life such as the “love section”. You have to examine every “section”—family (childhood trauma, family problem, repressed anger towards parents, etc.), academic (reason of slacking off, procrastination, wasting time and regretting doing that, etc.), friends (betrayal, unresolved conflicts, “sama ng loob” toward them, etc.). And a lot more sections. You have to work on all of them at the same time. Don’t move leaving a section behind. You must carry all of them with you as you go on. On in life. Be patient if it takes a long time. Remember, perseverance pays off.

Search for and look into negative feelings, negative thoughts, negative whatsoever. Go back to the root causes. Please feel free to go back as far as your childhood days. Do something about them. Dare yourself to change the pattern you’ve been following for a long time. The pattern you’ve been accustomed to. Make plans and implement them firmly. Don’t just use your mind, use your body. Move.

Move onwards.

1.What do you think of ligaw?
Mc:procrastination of things; introduction
of love and everything related to it;
plastican.
Me:pursuing someone.for me courtship is
very important.it should be done also
inside a relationship AND girls should
also do it.i don’t have the same
definition as the traditional courtship
coz i believe that its essence isn’t
already existing nowadays.it has been
taken for granted.

2.Do you believe that friends can
be lovers, but past lovers can never
be friends?
Mc:yes for the former. no for the latter.
Me:i take it that being "lovers" means
having a serious rel’nship with
someone.i agree with Macoy.well,past
lovers can be friends but there are too
many complications to deal with.if both
are mature enough to face and fix those
then they can be friends.

3.Do you believe that you can learn
to love someone kahit hindi mo talaga
sya mahal?
Mc:that’s what we call pity–often
mistaken as love.
Me:If you want to,you can.BUT there’s
nothing "divine" or magical in it.it’s
just pure conditioning of the mind.

4.Who is your ideal partner?
Mc:none. i dnt dream of having one.
Me:lolo David

5.Have you met your soulmate?
Mc:i dnt have any idea. is there such thing?
Me:i don’t know.i’d like to believe
there’s such a thing.

6.Is it true na ang love hindi nawawala
o nababawasan lang?
Mc:love (and whatever emotions) comes
from the mind. what u think is what u feel.
Me:i’ll give a different
perspective.love is considered as an
energy.therefore,it isn’t created nor
destroyed.BUT it can be transferred or
transformed to another type of
energy.So,i hope i answered your
question well.do the math.

7.Have you really let go of someone?
Mc:yes.
Me:finally, yes.

8.Are you always serious when it
comes to relationships?
Mc:yes.
Me:yes and guys find it boring.duh!

9.Which one do you prefer,
friendship or relationship?
Mc:friendship is a kind of a
relationship. i get it. you’re talking
about boy-girl rel. when u said
relationship. i prefer
friendship.
Me:friendship.But i also like boy-girl
rel’nship.

10.Why?
Mc:friendship doesnt give me headaches
the way a boy-girl rel. does.
Me:there are no rules or obligations
laid out.people already know how to act
and what to say.with a rel’nship,there
are lots of things to talk about and settle.

11.Have you fallen in love with
your bestfriend?
Mc:i have two guy bestfriends: luis and
justino. i never got attracted to
them–ever. I see them as my biological
brothers. bestfriends, for me, will just
be bestfriends.
Me:nope.i have only one bestfriend-girl.

12.Have you fallen in love witH
someone you regret on loving?
Mc:yes.
Me:nope.

13.If yes, why do you regret?
Mc:because ive realized that ive wasted
my time on him.he just used me.

14.Are you in a
serious/fling relationship right now or
just plainsingle?
Mc:plainsingle.
Me:same.

15.Are you a player?
Mc:no.
Me:nope.

16.Are you serious with your
relationship?
Mc:yes. *whatever relationship*
Me:same here.

17.Are you a martyr?
Mc:no.
Me:define martyr.i had an argument with
my friend regarding this.but to answer your question, i’m not a martyr.

18.Do you believe in marriage
Mc:yes?
Me:yes!

19.Why?
Mc:it’s legal.
Me:it’s a social institution.And i
consider it as an ideology.

20.Are you going to say ‘yes’
or a ‘no,no,no’ sa live in?
Mc:i’m thinking of the kids here. NO.
Me:no,no,no.marry me first.

21.Do you look ahead to your future or
do you look behind to your past?
Mc:i look at both. but i live for today.
Me:i look at both.that’s why sometimes,i
forget today.but i’m working on it
now.so far,so good.

22.Why do you think most
relationships dont last?
Mc:they dnt have the guts to commit
themselves.
Me:i agree with macoy…and to hold on
whatever the odds.that’s very very
important!!!

23.Do you really think love can
conquer all?
Mc:mind conquers. *the power of the mind*
Me:yes,if it’s true love and it’s shared.

24.Do you want to love again?
Mc:sure.
Me:yeah!with all my heart..

25.Are you falling in love with
someone?
Mc:i still love someone.
Me:hmmmm…

Once in our life, we love someone so much. We give everything and appear foolish in front of people. Sometimes, in front of the person we love. It’s healthy for us but people believe it is the opposite. We have our own principles regarding this but people have their own so-called right judgments. We share our happiness with people but they interpret it as unjustified suffering. We love selflessly but people think we love selfishly. Yeah, it is frustrating. Especially if friends belong to the “people”. Especially if you are the only one who believes in this. You are the only one fighting. You are alone. You long for arms that will hold you gently. You long for minds that will understand you. You long for hearts that will empathize with you. Yet, you find no one. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

You try to fix everything on your own and move onwards. You ask for forgiveness. You forgive. You try hard to heal the pain, the bitterness, the sadness that stayed in your heart for a long time. You succeed. You remember some things from the past clearly but you don’t remember the feeling you had at that time. Those memories are always a part of you but their significance dies down. And yes, you’re free from the past. You’re truly free.

You spend more time with your family and relatives. Quality time. You participate in household chores. You do recreational activities together. You laugh with them. You talk to their hearts and soul. You reach out.

You go out with friends. Watch movies once in a while. Shop. Have your feet massaged and your nails treated. You listen to their stories and try hard to keep your advices and judgments to yourself unless very much needed. You talk to them. You share stories but careful enough not to divulge everything about your life, love life especially. The strong bond is still there but you learned to keep some things private.

You plan for your future but you learned to be flexible when something suddenly comes up. You organized the subjects you’re going to take, including those that are not in your course. You choose the next school you’re going to. You laid out your “timetable”. You tell your parents about it. They’re glad. And so, you set off to pursuing what you want, what you dreamt of.

Then, suddenly…

You found him.

23:30

I had a happy, quality time with my family over the weekend at Tagaytay. I’m home. I’m really home. *teary eyed*

I just had dinner and “twalk” with love. It feels so great to convince and motivate but not coerce someone to go home. And I hope that she’ll be home soon. Soon. Hug for her.

I browse recent pictures. Seven hours has just passed. I miss my family already. I browse other pictures. I miss my friends. I don’t feel sad. I don’t want to think of the distance. I like to think of their happiness as they enjoy the summer break. As they do the stuff they want to do everyday. As they smile and laugh with other people.

Moving on. I am still. Everybody’s surprised. It’s not the “MM” they used to know. Others hide their amazement. Some encourage me to go on. They love the change. I love it too. I love it though it takes so long. Though it is so slow. I don’t anticipate. I live for the day and try hard to make the most out of it. [I’ll write about moving on next time. Can’t seem to put my feelings into words.]

________________________________________________________________________

Something just doesn’t feel right. It’s not sadness. Not melancholiness. Not anger. None of that sort. Just something that is not ordinary. Not something you will be glad for. Just a feeling that he doesn’t feel good at the moment. That he’s not okay.

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