entanglement of all sorts

Sa lahat ng ito, may kausap akong tao…

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Hmmm..para sa akin. Perspective lang naman iyan. It’s in the
way we see things. It’s about choosing to see the brighter side of life. Parang
ako, dati iniisip ko hopeless na "Horrie" namin. Iyong hindi na
talaga mababago at palagi na lang na ganoon ang nangyayari. Tapos, iniisip ko
sa’yo before lagi mo na lang akong sinasaktan, wala kang puso, wala kang awa
(exaggeration na ito..haha). Alam mo iyon. Tapos it always makes me sad. So,
anong gagawin ko, ile-let go ko iyong "Horrie" ko at ikaw because all
of you makes me sad? Ganoon na lang ba iyon? Parang ang loser ko naman, di ba?
Eh may magagawa naman ako na mas makabuluhan. So hayon, nakita ko naman na at
least binibigay pa rin naman ng "Horrie" ko iyong financial needs ko
at lumalabas din naman kami paminsan-minsan. So I took advantage of that. Sabi
ko may pag-asa pa naman eh. So why not add some more hope to that? So hayon,
inayos ko "Horrie" ko since ako ang "Mangue". Siyempre
hindi ko naman ito magagawa kung wala silang tulong. Basta ang point ko, it
starts with you. You see something in its brighter side and because of that you
are motivated to do something to improve it.

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Napakaplastic ko noong sinabi ko sa’yo na masaya na ako. Hindi pala. Iba pala
kapag kompleto ka. Iba kapag ikaw mismo ang kumokompleto sa sarili mo. Iyong
alam mo kung saan ka na patungo, kung anong gusto mo sa buhay at kung anong mga
pinaniniwalaan mo. Feeling ko nga pwede na akong mamatay eh. Hahaha! Ayos na
"Horrie" ko. Nagbago na ako bilang estudyante. Hindi na ako crammer!
Yehey! Nag-aaral na ako at nagla-library. Wala naman akong problema sa mga
kaibigan ko. Ayos na rin naman ako. Hindi ko na need talaga ang
makipag-boyfriend. Kung darating, darating. Kung hindi, okay lang naman. Pero
masaya din kasi ang magkaroon ng pamilya in the future. As of now, wala muna
iyon sa priorities ko. Pamilya, aral at kaibigan lang muna. I don’t want to
build sandcastles again and again since napakabata ko pa for serious
relationships (na siyang gusto ko naman talaga). Nagsawa na kasi ako sa lokohan
o iyong hindi pangmatagalan. Nakakapagod din eh. But I’m sure, someday, I’ll be
ready to build a sturdy home.

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It can be deceiving when
1) That person tries (consciously) to be the person you want, like or choose to
love. I call this foolish.
2) That person tries to convince himself that you are good together and tries
to tolerate EVERYTHING that you do. I call this stupid.
3) That person needs something from you and does everything he knows you want
him to do. And when he gets it, he continues to be nice to you. BUT when you
stop giving that to him, he goes away. I call this a parasite.
4) That person is trying to fit you into someone he lost or someone who is
temporarily far from him. He may treat you as he treats that person and you may
be misled that he loves you.
>>Or he fits you (unconsciously) into that "someone" and he may
also be misled that he loves you…when in fact, he loves the ghost of that
"someone", not you. I call this a user. He uses another person and he
may use himself too.

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Last year, I told you love is just 30% of what makes a
relationship work. It maybe that. But you need true love (or if you want to
call it real love) to start a relationship. That is the foundation. [But it is
hard (nowadays) to detect who truly loves you.] The rest is a mixture of a lot
of things. We study marriage (western and Filipino) and everything related to
it. And I realized that it is very, very, very hard to sustain a marriage. And
you know what, I am 70% sure (as of now) that marriage won’t be in my future
though I really want to have my "own home." [I told that to mommy and
she told me it's okay with her. Too bad she won't have an "apo" from
me.] I don’t know. It probably has a lot to do with what I see in guys now. If
ever I’ll marry, I’ll marry 32 or 33. AND be damn sure that that man will be
respected by our children (not feared). Really respected. Every good thing
follows that word, you know. And I think if that’s the case, he is worthy
enough to be my husband.
You may laugh at me now and tell me that I’m fastforwarding everything. Well,
I’m turning 20 this year and it doesn’t take a lot of years before I am at a
marrying age. It doesn’t hurt to think about these things and plan. Besides,
I’m enjoying my life now while doing this. Oh, remove the school part… it
drives me crazy! Hahahaha!

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1) Perfect man.Hmmmm..who wouldn’t dream and look for him?
I’m sure almost all girls do it. But there’s this thing called "paglapag
ng paa sa lupa." Of course, kailangan naming bumalik sa realidad. Sa
katotohanan na wala namang ganoon at kung mayroon man ay "taken" na.
Na lahat ng tao may bad part. Na lahat ng bagay may trade-off. Dati, oo,
hinahanap ko si "Mr. Perfect" dahil napapalibutan ako ng mga unstable
na “Horrie”. I was thinking na kung mag-aasawa ako ng may hindi kaaya-ayang
ugali ay magugulo ang “Horrie” namin. Takot na takot akong mangyari iyon sa
akin. Tapos ang kurso ko pa ay tungkol sa mga ganyang bagay. Malamang, sinasabi
sa amin–kailangan dapat ganito, dapat ganiyan. As a result, naghahanap ako ng
ganiyan at ganito–si mr. perfect ika nga. Pero lahat ng mag-asawa nag-aaway
dahil sa mga bagay-bagay, so I’m sticking to just one big thing–a family man.
Someone who values marriage and his children. Someone who sticks with the
family and never gives up whatever happens. Someone who stays till the end.
Just that. Sabi ko nga, wala akong pakialam kung maglasing siya (siyempre,
natural iyon sa mga lalake lalo na kung kasama ang mga kaibigan). Kahit sabi mo
mushy, aalagaan ko talaga siya by doing those things i mentioned to you.
2) I spent this night with my "Horriapo". Nakikita ko naman ang
pagbabago kay "Horriesty". Siguro natatakot lang talaga ako na gawin
niya ulit iyon. Ayaw ko ng masaktan si "Rosterio" at magkasakit
"Golgosha" ko dahil doon. It’s driving them crazy. I don’t want that.
I really don’t. I’m really praying very hard that "Horriesty’s"
"girls" won’t ever do anything bad. I know how desperate girls can
get just to have what they want. *sigh*
3) Nagger ba ako? Hmmmm..kung galit ako, hindi talaga ako nagna-nag. Once or
twice lang ang away namin ng mga naging bfs ko. Inaaway nila ako pero I don’t
talk back. I don’t shout. I don’t nag. I’m just silent kahit sila iyong may
kasalanan. Ayaw ko kasing nagmumura ng tao at sumisigaw eh. Masakit iyon kahit
sabihin ng mga tao na kailangang ilabas at nauukol naman talaga iyon para sa
taong iyon. For me, there are some outlets out there na hindi makakasakit ng
tao. Kung nagger na nangungulit na kumain ka on time, uminom ng gamot at
magtanong kung okay ka–that’s me. Kapag complain naman. I complain sometimes
pero hindi repeatedly, so it doesn’t entitle me to be a nagger.
4) Pumasok lang ito sa isip ko. You said love is a choice, right? It could be.
But I don’t want that. It makes me sad. But if you insist on it, then I am
telling you, I’ve chosen to love someone. And if you’re going to add your
famous, "Love is emotion+commitment". Well then, I’ve committed
myself to him though he didn’t commit himself to me and doesn’t wish to. Just
an addition, walang karapatan ang isang tao na pagsabihan ang isang tao ng,
"Stop loving me."
kasi we can’t control other people’s feelings. That is like saying,
"Please love me." Bayaan mo lang siya. If you want her to stop loving
you, tell her, "I don’t love you."  But that doesn’t guarantee
you that kasi pwede ka pa rin niyang mahalin amidst that.

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Lessons learned:
1) Don’t carry baggages with you. It’s hard but hope that you’ll get used to
it. It’s better for you….
2) One person is different from another person. It doesn’t necessarily follow
that he (2) will hurt you because he (1) hurt you.
3) Don’t despair when the person you love does not love you. You can’t force
him to. Just love. That’s the essence. Just love. Foolish? I don’t think so.
4) Bad or good? Everybody has a bad side. More evil or lesser evil? One can’t
measure that. What now? There are always trade-offs. Choose someone who stays.
Someone who will never give up on you.
5) Love your family. They are the only ones who will catch you when you fall so
hard and nobody sees it.
6) Always have a plan but always be open to other possibilities.
7) Stand for whatever you did and don’t live in the past. Always move onwards.

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Naguguluhan ka ba sa lahat ng nabanggit ko sa taas?

***Clue:
Don’t listen to what I say. Listen to something else from me.

I feel bad. Actually, this started last night but I kept on repressing the feeling coz I didn’t want my relatives to be affected (I was with them the whole week).

I started thinking about him last night as I stared at the moving cars and colorful lights from the hotel room I was in. I didn’t have my cellphone with me until tonight so I didn’t have something to divert my attention to. Geof was watching. I couldn’t use the TV. I didn’t want to listen to music coz I know it will just make things worse. That’s why I started to write a free verse poem to express whatever I was feeling last night. However, I was interrupted by my Aunt. She asked me some things and started a light conversation with me. I tried to cut subtly the conversation but she told me that she wanted to talk to me coz she thought I’m already mature enough and we might never get the chance to do that again.

The talk became more intimate. I guess I was really vulnerable at that time coz I opened up easily. After three hours, she knew 3/4 of myself already. I wasn’t reluctant to share everything coz we have the same personality and have almost the same experiences. She sees herself in me and I in her. Same as my bestfriend. The talk was worth the time. Very worthy. I learned a lot and I hope that I would always remember those lessons.

When we finished talking (around 2am), I went back to my thoughts before the talk. I thought of him again. Weird. Doing that makes me sad and happy at the same time. Then, school stuff interrupted my reverie. I have been absent last Tuesday in my three classes, Thursday in my first class and today in all of my classes. My relatives (except my parents) wouldn’t allow me to attend my classes. They wanted me to stay and spend this and next week with them. I was torn between loved ones and acads. As usual, my priorities saved me. Family first, acads second. I stayed with them the whole day and tried studying the whole night.

Now, I have a problem. Consider it a minor one. I have 3 midterm exams next week and a lot of papers due. When I say "a lot", it’s really A LOT! I missed a paper due today and I have been absent in EDSP 123 for two days. What would I write in the excuse letter? I spent a good time with my relatives? Nice excuse! Valid enough! Tsk, tsk, tsk.

My thoughts drifted to my blockmates and companions everyday at school. I miss them. I miss school. *heavy heart*

I also missed to greet birthday celebrators yesterday and today. I didn’t have my phone with me. Being the "on time greeter" that I am, I felt bad.

I thought of him. I have a lot of school stuff to accomplish. I wanted to go with my relatives to the north tonight and stay with them the rest of the week. I missed my friends at school. I haven’t greeted my friends a happy birthday. I’m very exhausted at this moment.

"Oh, I really feel bad but I don’t know why…"

P.S. Hug me when I see you! Muwah!

MASARAP PALANG MAG-BREAKDOWN!

Since I am sooooo busy recently, here’s an open letter… All in one! =D

DOSE: Sorry hindi ako nakareply last week at sorry din kung maikli lang ang reply ko recently.. Sorry hindi ako nakapaggreet noong monthsary.. =( naalala ko naman eh.. I just kept on postponing texting you hanggang sa nakatulog na ako sa pagod.. Haggard talaga noong day na iyon eh.. Sorry, bawi ako next time.. Miss you much much much! Muwah!

Bamz and Nievs: Text me kapag nandito na kayo sa Manila.. I’ll try to meet up with you again guys.. Hopefully, masabi niyo sa akin kung kailan tayo lalabas 1 week before para mai-sked ko at makapunta ako.. Text me lang.. Thanks!

CG: Super thanks sa pagreply kagabi!! Grabe talaga iyon! Over! But it felt really good after doing it. Whew! At least I’m done with it. I have to face another stage in my life again.. I hope that you will face it with me again..

Love: Thanks for everything! I can’t thank you enough… Thanks for prioritizing our relationship over your study! That made me feel guilty. But I want to thank you for really valuing what we have. I really appreciate it trillion times. =)

Blockmates: I miss the laughs and the light loads we used to have… Everyone’s getting a bit moody, cranky, easily annoyed and temperamental lately. I hope that we’ll understand each other. Some are getting pissed off over the others. Let us please understand that we are just too tired and stressed out. That’s why we get to yell at each other sometimes and we misunderstand some. Kaya natin to! Three months na lang. Iyon iyong isipin natin.. Tsaka kahit hindi na natin makaya ang mga requirements na binibigay nila, ONE STEP AT A TIME lang. Huwag tayong magpaoverwhelm sa dami. Isa isa lang. Matatapos din tayo. Tsaka, bee happy! Love you all!
Sa mga nagkakasakit, Vitamin C at multivitamins lang ang katapat niyan. Pagtiisan na lang natin ang paghihirap na ito. Makakaraos din tayo. Sa mga nagbreakdown, sige ilabas lang natin. Mas okay iyon kaysa tinatago at iniipon. We can go through it! Tulungan at suportahan na lang talaga! *hug tight*

Macoy: Salamat sa hug kanina! That meant a lot! Salamat sa concern na nabasa ko sa face mo at sa kagustuhan mong may masabi pero pinabayaan mo na lang ako. Salamat sa biglang pagsulpot kapag nangangailangan talaga ako ng tulong. Salamat sa pagsama sa akin sa mga "paghihirap times". Labshu much much much!

Kalaykada: Miss na miss na miss na miss ko na talaga kayo! Andami ko nang hindi nakikita sa inyo.. At wala na rin akong alam sa mga pangyayari sa buhay niyo.. =( Kapag lumuwag-luwag sked ko, pupuntahan ko kayo sa kaniya -kanyang dorm niyo. Promise iyan! Malapit na pala birthday ni Apple at JP.. Don’t forget.. =) Godbless na lang sa acads.. Andito pa rin naman ako kahit hindi masiyadong nagpaparamdam.. Mishu ulit! *hug*

Allan: You made me feel better last night. Salamat sa mga matalinhagang salita! Salamat sa pagrereply agad kapag nagtetext ako kahit alam kung busy ka minsan.. Salamat sa pagbibigay pag-asa at pagpapalubag loob.. Salamat dahil may matatawag na talaga akong tunay na kaibigan na seminarian (of course, may mga ibang tunay din..mas close lang ako sa’yo compared sa iba..*wink*)

Sa lahat na nagtetext at tumatawag: Sorry hindi ako nakakareply, busy lang talaga ako sa mga oras at araw na iyon.. Sa mga inaasar at kinukulit ko, pasensiya na at kayo ang napagbubuntunan ko.. Nagkataon lang na "rest time ng utak at katawan" ko iyon.. Ganoon talaga ako kalala kapag nagpapahinga pagkatapos gumawa ng paper o magbasa ng sandamakmak na readings..

Sa mga hindi nabanggit na nakikita ko araw-araw: Pasensiya na hindi na ako makapagtype pa.. Makikita ko naman kayo at makaka-usap, di ba? Smile at/o hug ko na lang kayo kapag nagkita tayo.

For all: A big tight hug and a pat on the shoulder!