entanglement of all sorts

I met him. I loved him. I tried so hard not to love him. But still I loved him. He might have loved me. He might not. That didn’t matter to me. I love him. Period.

He knew about it. That, I was sure. He was proud of it. That, our common friends were certain. Again, that didn’t matter to me. I love him. Period.

A lot of stressful things came up. It changed the whole relationship. Maybe, I had hurt him. Maybe not. He had hurt me. And my friends were mad. Again, that didn’t matter to me. I love him. Period.

More pressure were on me. Fury there. Commands here. Sermons there. Curse here. I hardly breathed. I rarely smiled. Everything were getting heavier. And the only thing I could do was to think. Think. Analyze critically. Think again. Think. But my thoughts would always lead me to "I love him. Period."

Books suggested to do this. My friends demanded me to do that. Who was right? Who would I follow? I didn’t know. I was lost. I was confused. I was devastated. I was very vulnerable. But I still I had one thing–I love him. Period.

I left the world. I created my own. I composed a new song. A new song that would always be played in my world. A melody that I would always hum to. A beat that would be followed by the snap of my fingers and the tap of my feet. Lyrics that would always end with, " Everybody (including him) must not know that I love him. Period."

Yeah, it was nice to have my own world. I didn’t hurt anyone. I did what everyone wanted me to do. I guess, they were contented with that. They were satisfied. They were happy. They were at peace. Of course, including him. I wouldn’t subject myself to being a machine if it weren’t for his happiness and peace of mind. Why? I love him. Period.

To be a machine and input everything in my brain because supposedly everything is all in the mind? It was nice but heart-breaking. I have my brain but I lost my soul. What kept me going was that I love him. Period.

A real love wrapped with illusion to fool people. But not to fool myself. Because I know and I am sure, I love him. Period.
***If you’re reading this, don’t worry, it’s not you. You’re already in my world, remember? The new song–You must not know about it….

SAD. I don’t know why…. And if I knew (unconsciously), I wouldn’t want to think about it. Just hug me! =’(

Para sa isang tao diyan:
Alisin mo na kasi sa isip mo iyon. Lahat na lang ng galaw ko iniisip mo na ganoon na naman. Alam mo, makapal din ang mukha mo eh. Sabi na ngang ganoon. Dapat ganoon na ang isipin mo. Pero hindi eh. Hayan, nakakulong tuloy tayo. Hindi makausad ng maayos. Ng tama. Minsan, nagsasawa na ako at gusto ko nang bumitaw pero matigas ulo mo eh. Nakakainis talaga. I want to live a normal life. Give me that! Kung ganoon ka, panindigan mong ganoon ka. Mag-isip ka na ganoon ka. Please lang. Ginugulo mo ang maayos ko ng mundo eh. Pakiligpit naman ang mga kalat mo. Pulutin ang mga walang katuturang bagay na sumisira sa atin. Sa sarili natin. Palayain mo na tayo. Palayain….

PLEASE READ THIS:
Regarding the diversion/alternatives, not another PERSON again, please. That’s why relationship doesn’t last. People keep on making a person (kahit paiba-iba as time goes by) fulfill that need for them. Fulfill your own needs and complete yourselves. =)

Do I sound imposing/demanding? Sorry… Just my view on how things should be worked out on. We have choices. To follow this or not. But I figured, it might help some. =)

All of my friends and close cousins would have their pupils dilated and their mouth opened after reading the title of this blog entry, but it’s not about what they’re thinking of. First, my friends, you already know who he is and when it started. Second, I wouldn’t write about him here. Hahaha! Sorry for the others… Hindi niyo rin naman kilala eh. But i’ll update you soon bago uh-uhm..you know, the big letter M and the root word S. Hahaha! (kai, you can relate!)

Well anyway, I’m in love with the earrings I saw at Kultura this afternoon!! They were really beautiful!! I was awed and dumbstruck. I bought it immediately. Yeah, impulsive spender! But it makes me happy. That’s why I bought it for myself. Call it a reinforcement since I have been a good girl lately. Heehee.. ^_^

I am always happy. Children at CDC? Yes! They exhaust me but they wipe away my exhaustion at the end of the day. They always make me smile and laugh. My family? Yes! Good communication. Good relationship. What more can I ask for? Thanks God! Academic performance? Yeah. Not a crammer anymore. Reads ahead. But, sometimes, short attention span comes in the way and I barely concentrate on my professor. Hahaha! Well, that’s good enough compared to my first two years in college. Friends? The texts from my HS friends make me smile, the words of encouragement from my blockmates brighten up my day, the catching up texts from my close friends who I don’t always see warm my heart, the simple gifts and thoughtful gestures of hmmmm.. They all make my day. Lately, I’m happy with small and simple things too. And I’m glad I am. Really glad.

Because of these, I want to share something from my roommate (Ate Yen) who have been always there to guide me.

When you tend to be clingy and attached to a certain person, ask yourself why you are like that towards him/er. The obvious answer is the fulfillment of your need/s through that person. Ask yourself again, what need/s is/are that/ose? Be honest to yourself. You’ll just be fooling yourself if you’re always in denial. BE OPEN TO EVERYTHING. When you have the answer, find some other things and events (e.g. good grades, shopping, voluntary works, ect.) that will fulfill that need. There can never be a no answer to this. There are always alternatives. You are just afraid to let go. That’s why you refuse to accept some things that will provide that fulfillment. When you’re done with this, focus on those things and events and eventually detach yourself from that person. It is very easy, I tell you. Just be open. "Hindi lang siya ang tao sa mundo…Bata ka pa. Lalaki pa ang social network mo after school. You’ll meet more people in the workplace."

I had a fever. I observed Louis. I smiled and laughed.  I looked after and took care of the toddlers. I was exhausted. I nearly vomitted. I felt weak. I attended all my classes. I attended the Dec 8 mass. I was still happy and contented though extremely exhausted and sick. Biruin mo, may gana pang magpose sa playground! Hahaha! *click the pic*

                                  BE HAPPY ALWAYS!!!

"We’ve spent so much time and effort searching for the one thing that brings happiness and yet nothing seems enough. So why is it hard to be happy? It’s because sometimes we refuse to let go of the things that makes us sad…"
The exact quote that was sent to me by a friend.
Yeah, the quote has a point. You have to let go of the things that make you sad in order to be happy. It’s logical. Yes. However, I won’t just let go of the things that make me sad. Aside from having a loser’s way out, I am giving up loved ones and precious things just like that. Yeah, just like that. Why will I let go of them when I can do something better? Something favorable….
I can look at the brighter side of the things that make me sad. In so doing, I believe my perspective on those things will change. In a way, sad things (to me) become happy things. They appear as blessings instead of burdens. If that happens, I am more motivated to keep the fire of hope burning. The fire of optimism that someday those people and things will make me happy. And having the fire of hope constantly burning within me, I am inspired to do something with the sad things and transform them FULLY to happy things.

It’s in the way we see things. It’s all in the mind. Make the connection.

Errrr..I already have those…Can you just give me these things, please? *batting eyelashes*

1) Free White Water Rafting
2) Free Sky Diving
3) Crocheted white long sleeves top
4) "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch
5) Chinese fitted dress
6) A whole year supply of fruits
7) Digital SLR camera
Faber-Castell watercolour pencils…paintbrush too!
9) Free one-night stay in Sonya’s Garden with…hmmmmm.. (hahaha)

and…

the greatest wish among all wishes…

10) Please take me back to my childhood days, even for just a day. *teary-eyed*

Oh,
I know you can’t give all of these to me this christmas. I’m just
dreaming, hoping, wishing. Just let me indulge in this. It makes me
happy. Hahaha! Anyway, a sincere hug may do. I’ll appreciate it so
much. Merry Christmas everyone! Be haaaappppppppeeee! *wide smile* I
love you all friends! No joke! *kissss*